I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize