Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
