If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
