sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my being single is dangerous.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
