please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
