Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
