I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
