Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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