where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
