Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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