in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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