Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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