Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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