I didn't shave. On purpose
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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