You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
