Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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