when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize