i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
