Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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