I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
