It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
