it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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