Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
