So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
