Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
