So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
