Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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