somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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