If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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