the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
whose ass print is on the piano?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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