Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
