yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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