i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
