Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize