the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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