Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I still have a little drunk in my system
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
