it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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