So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize