If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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