Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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