This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
