I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize