saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
