you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
