failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
