Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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