I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
