Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
