God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
