Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize