My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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