Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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