im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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