dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
