If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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