he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
