I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
