Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
