no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize