I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Green mimosas i think yes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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